JULY 19, 2008

ADDICTION AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

SPECIAL GUEST: LESLIE DINKINS

Brian: Welcome Atlanta, I am Brian Fujii and this is the Breakthrough Addiction recovery Hour. We have got a fantastic show planned for you today we are talking about the subject of domestic violence, today my special guest is Leslie Dinkins she is a LCSW, Certified Family Violence Intervention Counselor, welcome.

Leslie: I am very happy to be here

Brian: I know you have a lot to talk about today and we want to invite the listening audience to comment we are a call in show and if you have some ideas in your life and you maybe struggling with alcohol or drugs or experiencing or knowing someone who has problems with domestic violence in their home, give us a call 770-226-0920 or outside Atlanta 1-888-920-2665. Again the local number is 770-226-0920. Leslie is the expert today and will be talking to us about the issues related to domestic violence and we know we have seen a lot of this in the news and maybe you have experienced this personally or maybe going through it right now or have family members struggling with this awesome situation. Leslie is also a domestic violence victims counselor and her official title is a real long one, it is, Domestic Violence Victims Counselor Outreach Coordinator Bell Forsyth Judicial District Task Force. That is a mouthful!

Leslie: It is

Brian: Well it is impressive (laugh) again, welcome to our show and we are so excited about you being here and just the first question Leslie, what is domestic violence. I think there are some very specific characteristics that define domestic violence.

Leslie: I think where a lot of people get confused is they confuse it with an anger problem and research has shown that a domestic violence perpetrator, and I will use the terms perpetrator and addict interchangeably

Brian: ok

Leslie: They are likely to become abusive whether or not they are angry and I would also like to preface if I generally use the term “he” because the vast majority of these perpetrators are men and there are women but the vast majority are men so I want to preface with that. There is a wonderful model called the Duluth Model and it is called the Power and Control Wheel, it does a fabulous job of explaining what the different tactics of addiction are. To give everyone a visual there are three layers to the domestic violence power and control wheel, the one in the middle is power and control and the theory is that the addict will use all of these tactics to gain or maintain power and control over their partner. The tactics they define and there are of course many examples are using isolation, emotional addiction, economic addiction, sexual addiction, using the children, threats and intimidations, threats and male privilege, so when all of these tactics that don’t involve physical violence, when the addict feels that these tactics are not working this is when they use physical addiction.

Brian: You said something that is new for me, “male privilege” what does that mean?

Leslie: It is really the justification many addicts will use in their actions, um making all of the big decisions in the house and the “king of the castle” he defines the roles in the relationship and things have to come from the man of the house is generally how this is displayed in a domestic violence relationship.

Brian: Fantastic, this is good, if this is touching a nerve call us at 770-226-0920. You mentioned this Duluth model and again that there is power and control, is this the key component that we find for the addicts, that power and control is that main characteristic, and if it is where are or why do they feel that they are out of control.

Leslie: I think that would be answered on an individual basis, but the power and control, I want to make it clear that it is not an addiction and it does though get worse over time much like an addiction would. If you look at the context of many behaviors of addicts, they don’t make a lot of sense logically or rationally when they are in that abusive mode, but if they are meant to gain power and control over their partner and if they are making actions such as breaking the lamp against the wall and then asking who broke it if they walk away, whoever the victim or victims in the room are they are going to think about there must be something wrong with dad, my kid or my boyfriend that he can’t remember breaking that lamp. He may remember but if he was saying that and then in an attempt to play mind games with the victim they will think about that the rest of the day and he has gotten what he wants in power and control by making them think of him all day.

Brian: That is fantastic thought. They knowingly knew who broke it but played the mind game as you say and they are definitely on their mind through out the day. What a challenge if all they can think of is the confusion or like you said if he actually did forget then they are wondering what is happening with dad or boyfriend or the children what is happening with their thoughts? This can be a way to gain control and I have never looked at it that way

Leslie: If you look at the tactics that never involved physical violence, economical, emotional and verbal, but if you look at these they are extremely similar to brain washing. The main tactic of addicts is to keep the victim of sleeping and if you are sleep deprived you will not function as well in anything you do so when you are a victim and you want to leave or you want to fight back or you are tired of the addiction treatment it is very difficult to muster that energy mentally, physically,. To do everything that is necessary in order to end the cycle of violence.

Brian: So what you are saying is that fatigue is another way to get power and control. I am telling you this is some very interesting information. The number here is 770-226-0920 that is 770-226-0920 if this subject is touching a nerve in your life right now give us a call because Leslie here is the expert in this area of domestic violence and she works closely day by day working with those individuals that need help or going into a shelter talking to those that are feeling truly out of control

Leslie: The biggest issue is safety and that has to be the consideration in everything that we do and what we tell them to do. If you are friend or family member of an addictiond person please always consider their safety, if you should confront the addict or if the victim does, or takes steps toward leaving it can increase danger. Homicides usually happen after she leaves and he feels the loss of power and control so you always have to work on the safety and again, there is so many barriers to escaping like trauma barriers, self esteem barriers and these external barriers that we have to work on and work through with her on an individual basis in order to help her make that change.

Brian: We are coming to a break and again our number is 770-226-0920 and again before we go to the break Leslie you said there was a statewide crisis number and we will repeat that

Leslie: 24 hour Georgia Domestic Violence Crisis Line is 1-800-33-HAVEN calling this will automatically get you to a shelter in your area.

Brian: And this will help anyone in the state of Georgia to make steps toward getting help, the number again is 1-800-33-HAVEN. We are going to our break and so if you are wanting to call and ask some questions and get in on the conversation call us at 770-226-0920. We will be right back.

Commercial Break

Brian: Welcome back, I am Brian Fujii and I am the Clinical Director at Breakthrough Addiction Addiction recovery, and today my special guest is Leslie Dinkins, she is a licensed clinical social worker in the area of domestic violence. We are trying to identify various components that look at domestic violence and I know this is a big issue in the rural and metro areas the telephone number here to participate in the discussion is 770-226-0920 again 770-226-0920.

Leslie, again, you were talking earlier about the qualities and characteristics of domestic violence and I would like to pursue the other area and I know there are those out there that want to know how to recognize addiction in lives of friends and family. They have suspicions but don’t know what to do.

Leslie: I think one of the biggest factors is that if she has become withdrawn or isolated particularly since entering into the relationship or since getting married or pregnant that is one of the red flags. If she is declining social invitations and missing work often and if she is very much a different person than who she was before the relationship and there are many things that are changing that the family and co-workers may not understand. Being very anxious or unusually quiet. If you see them with their partner and they are avoiding the partner’s eyes or if the partner speaks for them quite a bit that is another sign. If they dress heavily for the season that could be an indication of covering up injuries and have lost confidence or receive high amount of calls from their partner. That is a tactic of the addict, to monopolize the victim’s time so if they keep calling that is a problem.

Brian: Looks like we have a call Leslie from Jeff in Chamblee. Welcome to the Breakthrough Addiction recovery Hour Jeff how can we help you today.

Jeff: This is really triggering stuff in me, my wife’s ex-husband um, has through the course of our marriage and now our marriage is basically over and because of all this and I want to see if this is domestic violence. He did everything he could to disrupt our lives to put himself in our house to the point where they have been divorced for 16-18 years and we have been married for 14 and this guy actually manipulated things like our credit reports, put himself as the owner of my house basically not his house, I thought it was terrorism and harassment and the police didn’t give a damn and I went to all kinds of people, lawyers, etc., and they said it was a criminal matter, go to the police or the D.A. and eventually they said a cop or a detective said you and your wife need therapy to deal with this. I didn’t want it cause why does he control our life and put us in therapy. You talk about control. This ended up destroying our marriage and um every uh you know what do you call this,

Brian: Leslie what is the response

Leslie: Well, certainly because I am a counselor I don’t think therapy is a bad idea (laugh)

Jeff: What do you call it when there is someone in your life and invading your l,ife and manipulating where to the point where they intentionally inflicted on you in a way that they are in control of your sense of security and sense of peace in the home I mean all this stuff and number one I would say that is controlling but the other aspect is you don’t want marital counseling for the ex husband do you? If the police won’t take action that is the ultimate control

Leslie: That is the …….I agree

Brian: You sound victimized

Jeff: Beyond that, I wish I had heard you guys before because I would have called that hot line maybe they could have helped

Leslie: Well one of

Jeff: The police could give a damn and the D>A> office could give a damn and eventually the guy at the records dept. in DeKalb County tried to help me but this is crazy and they didn’t help either.

Brian: Ok,

Jeff: Would you talk about that kind of thing or I don’t even know how you would characterize that addiction.

Brian: Alright, thank you and let me just well let’s go ahead and Leslie is there anything particular , uh Jeff, we will answer this for you and we are going to take another call so we will go ahead, Leslie address this feeling of his victimization

Leslie: There is certainly addicts that continue the efforts of control even after the relationship has ended but what I tell my clients is when you have literally crimes involved that if the purpose of the police department and courts civil and criminal you have to prove all of these things going on and I always tell people and it sounds harsh but no one cares about your case as much as you do. Many things involving problems with the children and identity fraud which is what my clients have often, and proving domestic violence you have to have proof for the court system that is part of the court so documentation documentation is extremely important and being able to accept the situation regardless of if you like it or not. If the kitchen is on fire would you argue with the kitchen or put out the fire. Deal with the situation um setting those clear cut boundaries and I usually tell people that are frustrated that there are fewer things more unfair in the world than domestic addiction and child addiction, it is an uphill battle but it doesn’t mean that there is nothing you can do. One of the biggest thing for the family that counseling can do and for the victims are that helping you to learn to deal with this situation more effectively so that it is not controlling and how you feel on a daily basis so that it is not controlling the way you treat others on a daily basis because you are frustrated and it is a frustrating situation.

Brian: Yes, Jeff I know the anger, I hear that in your voice and you have every right to feel that anger and that is a place in which you can deal with your own anger and it is justifiable. I wish you the best. Again, if you have issues of addiction 1-800-33-HAVEN,

We are coming to a break Leslie and we will be right back. Our number here is 770-226-0920 again 770-226-0920 we will be back stay with us.

Commercial Break

Brian: We are back Atlanta, The Breakthrough Addiction Addiction recovery Hour, 770-226-0920 if you want to get in on the conversation again 770-226-0920 that is the number to call in. Today we are talking about domestic violence and my expert here is Leslie Dinkins and she is a domestic violence victims counselor and we are talking about identifying now certain characteristics of how we can know if someone is experiencing domestic violence and let’s take a look at this and I know one of the areas is how can we recognize addiction in adults Leslie?

Leslie: It is dispelling the myth that it is hitting. That is not the only component of domestic violence it is extrememly rare to have an addict that does not perpetuate other tactics of addiction rather than JUST physical addiction, again the isolation and the intimidation the threats and using the children and the male privilege or if they are immigrants and using their status against them different special populations have risk factors but there are um I have a number of statistics and I will spare you the percentages but in the behaviors of the addict there was a study that showed and this is very consistent with what I see in my clients, um, that the addict would not let her use the phone, he would keep her from getting or keeping a job. He would repeatedly tell her no one wanted her and that she could not get along without him. Many threaten with the children and many will accuse and threaten in front of the children. Forty seven percent threaten harm and 47 percent did harm. So if you are a friend or family member or co worker you have to consider her and her children and their safety and your own. It is very typical for uh domestic violence perpetrators to use strangulation or choking as a method of violence, many are addictiond during pregnancy and many have sexually assaulted their partners and the list.

Brian: We have a call from Phil in Alpharetta, welcome!

Phil: I wanted to offer my perspective I am a not to recently divorced dad who went through a very contentious situation and my ex-wife was very abusive to the point of actually pulling a knife at one time and without gory details, I was sleep deprived as was pointed out earlier and uh it was just a very bad situation and I was left with no alternative but to leave the relationship just in order to eliminate the exposure that this outrage basically to my 10 and 11 year old sons at the time. The reason for my call is that I am agitated that your guest seems to be male bashing and sounds like feminist male bashing some statistics anecdotally the percentage male or female is 50/50 so I would ask her to justify her statistics and I would ask her to quit placing her comments in the context of the man’s fault and that is not according to the information that I have come across, that is all I have to say.

Brian: Thanks Phil, we will respond