JUNE 21, 2008

HOW TO GET A LOVED ONE INTO REHAB

Brian: Good Afternoon Atlanta and welcome to the Breakthrough Addiction Recovery Hour I am Brian Fujii with my co-host Jill Mattingly, Jill, Hey there.

Jill: I was kind of worried at the beginning of the day with all the rain but now it is beautiful and take advantage of it so you can prepare for another holiday weekend coming up and we will have to do a show about fourth of July Brian

Brian: Someone special in your life today?

Jill: My father, Jim Mattingly is 75 years old today and he is only a couple years older than a potential next president so don’t feel tired and old.

Brian: Happy birthday Jim

Jill: Well he said if McCain got voted in that he would be running for re-election when he was 75. That just makes me tired. Happy Birthday Dad!

Brian: Well at least you will always be your sister’s younger sister.

Jill: Thanks. Ok, we have a really interesting show today and it is from previous shows where people have called in to ask questions. They have had a loved one addicted and are clueless how to sit down and get that person into rehab and as we know, many people who need rehab never get it.

Brian: Well you know part of this discussion has come up today because of so many this last few weeks calling and saying, “How can I get them to do this? What can I do to get them in without resistance?” That is going to be a challenge and today we will produce a few ideas to the listening audience of how they can try a different approach and probably a gentler way.

Jill: More gentle than what they think is supposed to happen.

Brian: Especially with some of what we have seen on television. Some of you may be interested and want to get in on this discussion, give us a call this is a call in show so call at 770-226-0920. If you are outside the area, 1-888-920-2665. So today we will be trying to title this “How Do I Get My Loved One in Rehab Cooperatively.”

Jill: Well I know I wouldn’t want to follow some of these people, they show the dirty underbelly of the addictions that they are in and they are also talking to the family and there are some really talented people that are helping do these interventions on the show. Jeff Vonvonderan, I really like him and he does a good job under the circumstances, but when you are watching the show you need to remember that this is a reality show and this has been edited and cut down for the dramatic effect, you know they are looking for the story they are looking for it to be very dramatic where you would cry at the end and you know you are interested and hooked in so, that really follows the old model, doesn’t it Brian?

Brian: Again, the emphasis is going to be on the guilt shame and remorse. I think when you focus on that it doesn’t motivate many people and we need to try to understand the old method of high confrontation getting them to feel bad and cry basically on their knees worked in the past, we had a lot of people in rehab using that older model, however, but we have found through research that it is more effective to use what we call motivationally interviewing that person and that means we try to find out what their strengths are and what motivates them to come into rehab. What do they see in themselves that really has produced difficulties and it has to come from within. A lot of times when you look at the interventions, they come from external sources, “This is how you hurt me, this is how you destroyed our family and our life…”

Jill: It is watching the family members be battered down by this behavior and the show focuses in on having them do more of that for dramatic effect and the show wants to draw an audience. I know people that watch this show over and over again and I am like, uh, that is drama that maybe might not be good for you at this point because it may not be quite as realistic as it should be, it’s a “reality tv show”

Brian: I think too Jill, that part of this is that people are trying to find an answer and that’s the reason why it is so powerful and again, if this is a topic that you want to discuss call us at 770-226-0920 again 770-226-0920 and you know going back again I think many times that if we can help the person as I said earlier, it was the idea of what you have done to ME, if we can help the individual the person who needs the rehab to be able to say and admit and own up to the fact that “I have hurt people, I have been in trouble, I am realizing how this illness or this problem is impacting my life.” So when it comes from an internal source rather than the blame oriented or the.

Jill: confrontation, that is pretty much a traditional style that has worked in the past for some people how ever you know that there is proof that some of these styles that are more confrontational can even split families you know sisters won’t talk to brothers because of the way it was handled the loved one may even go into more of isolation and more denial or may even act out more in their dependency which is even more dangerous and can have severe consequences, so there has to be a way and there really are just like there are many different types of families there are many types of ways to go ahead and start to address the problem. You know I like one statement that was made.

Brian: “An alcoholic can not be forced to get help” we do know that they may have legal trouble, traffic violation or face a court uh maybe they are in a situation where they are losing their money and being in a homeless situation and we do have circumstances that have provided a situation where they don’t have a choice. And, but we are talking about individuals right now who are listening to this program maybe loved ones saying you know do they have to wait that long.

Jill: And they don’t have to wait until they have physical consequences to manifest such as liver disease or other types of physical problems that can happen so, no you don’t have to hit rock bottom and you don’t have to wait until the worst happens, but on the way to rock bottom there are occurrences that stimulate the conversation and I think that is what we are really wanting to talk about today, what are the things you can do as the loved one, that can start to stimulate the conversation and that can create less resistance in your loved one.

Brian: You know so many times you hear this and say “I have heard all this before, but I don’t know what else to do” and the thing is that maybe it is the way it has been done and maybe you need some suggestions and a different approach. 770-226-0920 if this is touching the heart string give us a call and we can help. Or if you have hit that wall in some way we want to hear about it.

Commercial Break

Jill: Welcome Back to the Breakthrough Recovery Hour the number is 770-266-0920 and I am Jill Mattingly here with Brian Fujii.. If you are trying to make someone to rehab and they won’t “go go go” call us and we will talk about it. I do have a confession to make everybody, I was kind of down on the show “Intervention”in the last segment and I know that someone is going to tell on me. Ok, I do watch the show and I can’t say I’m addicted to the show but if it is on, somehow I get sucked in and by the end of show, it is kind of like “Extreme Home Makeover” and I am bawling like a baby. It’s because they change the music and when they say “Joe went to California for rehab….” and they play happy guitar music I just have to be there to see what happens to this person when they get to rehab. I need those success stories, but anyway I do watch the show Brian so there you go, it’s out there and the world knows.

Brian: It’s a wonderful show, but it doesn’t work for everybody but it does work. So today we are offering another slant on the problem. 770-226-0920 again 770-226-0920.

Jill: If you are an “Intervention” junkie we can talk about it and help each other ok? So let’s talk, let’s talk about some of the ways we can help the person out there with a loved one who is dependent start to address this problem.

Brian: Ok, step 1 is Stop the Cover Ups/ sometimes family members make excuses and we talk about this in family education Jill, one of the areas in the first phases of families in recovery is the fact that they are into protecting, they don’t want to get the family in trouble and they want to protect the family name and that is when the family is in active using and so the cover up is very strong, don’t tell, don’t talk, don’t let anyone know what is going on and it is the family secret. For a period of time the family is contributing to the problem. Although they think they are protecting, they are trying to help this person so the less people know they feel that they will make it better.

Jill: If you listening out there have ever called a boss or a friends or family members and said, “Yes, he had the flu” and you know what I am talking about and you are trying to make him look different that what is really happening and maybe a little bit of the consequence at that moment would spark his interest in getting rehab, and

Brian: If you are a family member do not see this as a criticism, this is a reality and it is hurting you at the same time you don’t know what else to do or how else to respond and in some way you are being self preserving and a lot of people think they are being self centered but you are just protecting yourself and your family. In this protection however, many times you can enable the individual to continue in the addiction, not in a negative way but in a positive way and they try to find some way to make this go away and it is not happening. That is when the pain becomes so great. 770-226-0920, again 770-226-0920. We are looking for you call and if your situations in your home right now are a struggle with addiction, please call. Alcohol and opiate pain killers, we know that so many suffer from addiction from many of these also. They use this to ease not only their physical pain but also their emotional pain.

Jill: So the first step is stopping the cover up and let the consequences come their way. The next is that you don’t blindside, you need to look at your timing of your intervention or the discussion and the

Brian: The best time to talk to someone who is drinking or struggling with drugs is after a particular alcohol or drug related event. So, what does that mean? Well, if for example they just got through drinking and gotten into a big argument as a result or they have been drinking and as a result they made a fool of themselves, fell down and hurt themselves or attempted to drive. These are some situations to confront, at the time when the alcohol or drug related event occurs. We know for fact that people do go through blackouts so if you bring up an instance that happened the night before and they experience a blackout guess what? The don’t remember, so they feel falsely accused. It is so important to try and catch it at that moment and make that impression right then and there. It could be a serious argument, an accident, but choose a time when he or she is sober to hear it and calm.

Jill: Yes make sure they are calm. We have a call, Tommy in Atlanta, Hey how are you welcome to the show.

Tommy: You know you are talking about Interventions, I had to do a self intervention and I went through the whole process you know of coming to the conclusion that I had a problem and went to my friends and they said, “We knew you had a problem but didn’t want to say anything” well it was like a slap in the face, why didn’t they say any thing sooner, they didn’t want to hu8rt my feelings and cause a problem really inside I was actually begging for someone to say something. But hearing you talk about it really hit me and I am doing very well, you can look back and think about these things and sometimes you know people are asking without asking for help.

Brian: You know Tommy I hear this a lot and it is kind of like sometimes a teen that is rebellious and still wants discipline and they feel abandoned when they don’t get it and it is kind of like the same thing in your situation and you are dealing with the issue but people really didn’t know how to address it like you said cause they themselves were embarrassed and didn’t know what to do. I hear this a lot and in rehab and I work with clients that say “All my friends knew but no one told me!” It is difficult as they try to find the help. What you are saying is that maybe the listening audience will come to the realization that their loved one is struggling and may really want them to tell them to stop. I hope a program like this will help our listening audience see that this is where we can do this. We don’t have to be aggressive or highly confrontational, just observant and concerned. I would like to find out from you, what would you say is the way you would like to be approached, not like you are sitting back and getting time under your belt, how would you feel.

Tommy: I watch Intervention too and I think a lot do

Jill: Yeah Tommy

Tommy: It doesn’t always have to be that you walk into a room and everyone you know is waiting with a letter to tell you how you have destroyed their life. My best friend in particular who kind of inadvertently helped me come to the conclusion that there was a problem. We went for coffee at Barnes & Noble and during conversation he steered it to the subject and it wasn’t you know a highly dramatic or anything like that it was just simply a conversation between two people and it was easy and it doesn’t have to be something as difficult as what you see on tv, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Jill: That is what this show is about and through your phone call Tommy many people are thinking “My best friend! I never say anything when he makes an idiot of himself.” It can be brought up in a gentle loving way to make him see that he needs to look into taking care of himself. So just through your call many have been encouraged to talk to their loved ones.

Brian: We sure do appreciate it Tommy, have a great day

Tommy: Thank you very much, bye.

Jill: We are coming down to a break so let’s talk a little more on how to get a loved one in rehab, the non confrontational way. 770-226-0920

Commercial Break

Jill: 770-226-0920, outside the Atlanta area, 1-888-920-2665 we just had a fantastic call from Tommy in Atlanta and what a brave soul to call in and did the self intervention and I haven’t heard of very many and this was

Brian: There are different ways that people get motivated to seek out help when he heard this from his friend in a very non confrontational way and this brings us in on this having good timing for an intervention and I do hear this so much in rehab as I do family education and they hear their families asking them to “Just quit!” Their response of the client is that if they knew how to quit they would. The reason is, that even the person who is struggling they don’t know what to do and

Jill: I think about when I have a friend in recovery and she brings up an issue sometimes of you know “Jill you know how it is if you try to go on a diet and you are trying to stay away from the things that you really like and how you feel when you can’t stay away from those things or you can’t hold the line on the diet that you are on. Now multiply that a thousand times and understand that that struggle is one day at a time” So, we just need to remember that they are in a struggle and this is a disease that effects the brain and then of course the body. So,

Brian: So glad you remind us and the audience that alcohol is a disease. It impacts the brain as well as just about every major organ in the body. You know again, we are going to cover first of all no cover ups. Number two/Time the intervention and bring up the event of the problem at the time that it occurs when both are sober and calm and then third/Be specific. Tell the family member that you are worried about his or her drinking use examples in which the ways the drinking has caused a problem and you know too many times we try to pull out all of the problems, every family has problems,

Jill: Yes, you have to give them examples and if you don’t come to the table with an example, you know and they are going to dismiss it. You have to be very calm in the approach and factual and available especially if they were aware like last segment in which we discussed blackouts and they won’t remember anyway. Be specific, I like that.

Brian: Include the most recent incidents. Not five years ago…..how often we do that….don’t you remember….deal with the here and now. Even our approach, cognitive behavioral therapy, deal with what is current and very real and something that has an impact that people remember. So, the specificity is so vital as a person being able to remember and also be desirous of change. 770-226-0920 is our number and this topic is really hitting a nerve out there and you have a loved one or a family member or co-worker or maybe like Tommy you need to talk about it and find a way to get yourself some help, self intervention.

Jill: So with the be specific aspect, should you also be leading into asking them if they are willing to do something to make it understood that you are really wanting them to get help and you will do what it takes to get them there. In the show Intervention they give an ultimatum as far as “You will never see your children again…” does it always have to be that dire or is it that we need to remove ourselves from them when their behavior is like this. Or not attending events with this person if there is alcohol served.

Brian: Absolutely, that is the way we do a this type of intervention. Motivational interviewing and it brings the individual and family members being impacted and needing to get it in control.

Jill: 770-226-0920, we have another break coming up and we are getting right back into this when we come back.

Commercial Break

Jill: 770-226-0920 one more time and that number is 770-226-0920 and we are in the last part of the show and if you would like to call in and do your comment or question or maybe we can help you out with the situation you are in with your loved one we would love to do that so call us 770-226-0920. Brian we have the time has flown. We are half way down our list(laughter) and when we left we talked about making out that list of things that would or how the hammer would fall if the loved one decided not to go to rehab.

Brian: That is the piece that we emphasize at Breakthrough Addiction Recovery is the person who has the addiction the person who is the alcoholic they have to take responsibility for their own actions, behaviors and results and the family members also need to take responsibility for their own actions and results. That is where they get out of this control, you know there are so many times Jill when we find out that in interventions and in recovery many times it is an issue of control. For many cases sometimes it will be with the addict maybe drinking or drugging to try to maintain control of the family but it is rare. I think it is more dealing with themselves, they want to get their emotions under control. Many times in the family, we hear this a lot, “If it weren’t for the drinking….” And many times what we find out is a big control issue and the controlling is a major portion of that family dynamic and if families can begin trying to release that control and begin as we said earlier to help them to protect themselves when their family members are using

Jill: Because their family members are addicted so to speak, their brains are relying on these substances and if they don’t understand that they personalize the

Brian: And internalize as if they are doing it to ME, they are hurting ME. And inadvertently they are, but the intention is not to hurt it is because they can’t help it because their brain chemistry has changed and they can’t help it. Many times the people think someone drinks to make their life miserable. Actually the addict is miserable.

Jill: Many things have to come together for a person to really find that very strong recovery. This is a complex issue and this is not something where if I give you this then you will do this, or you will feel better and never have a problem again where if you will listen to this dvd you are going to be fine….I mean this is complex and it takes time it is the marathon, it is not the sprint.

Brian: What we need to see Jill is that it is behavior, behavior, behavior, so for example the way a family member can “take control” of their own life and their own emotion. If the individual chooses to drink and they have a party or some type of celebration and the loved one is drinking and now they have a choice, either I stay home because of the drinking or we make an arrangement and tell them that if they drink or get drunk you can stay home but I am going to the party. Guess what, now the loved one has taken control and this person can now experience the natural consequence of their behavior.

Jill: That is so important and I want to push on to the next item just because we are coming to the end of our show. This is the GET HELP section. It is so important before you ever sit down with a loved one, you need to know what you are going to tell them if or I mean they may agree with you and ask you to help, you have to be armed with a telephone number, a website or with print outs from information or a book and just say here it is and this is what we need to discuss, but I would never you know ask a person to sit down with a loved one and not be armed with the information of what rehab is like, does this person need to be locked away for 60 days, or can this person do an out patient situation.

Brian: Isn’t it so true Jill, we get a lot of phone calls at Breakthrough and the first question is about in-patient vs. out-patient. There are individuals that do need in-patient because of psychiatric instability or possibly because they are going through a major withdrawal that could be dangerous if not medically managed in an inpatient setting but on the other hand there are many people who call it my not be what they need.

Jill: Out patient can lead to in-patient and the loved one will say no way will you lock me up but I will listen to the information. If they start to hear and listen to the professionals, there may be a scenario where it is approved to go on to the in-patient setting because of their instability. That is something to remember and starting an in-patient rehab needs to happen if it is a dangerous situation, but out-patient can be beneficial to lead them to the help they need.

Brian: If this is something you want to talk about call us here at the station. 770-226-0920, again that number is 770-226-0920 and you know Jill, one of the things you mentioned about arming yourself,

Jill: Have the phone number handy if they are ready….like on the show Intervention, they flash a plane ticket and say here is where you are going, that’s preparation right there. Anyway, we are coming to the break, 770-226-0920 stay with us we will be right back.

Commercial Break

Jill: Welcome back to the Breakthrough Addiction Recovery Hour, my name is Jill Mattingly and we have been talking about Intervention and how to get loved ones into rehab during this show and this has really been a neat show with a lot of energy, and you know what I wanted to bring us back in and say sometimes after all of the talking and all of the things that you can do, the loved one will look at you and say, “No.” They don’t want rehab and kind of like Amy Winehouse, I am not going. So here is the thing, we have had family members come in for the free consultation at Breakthrough Addiction Recovery sit on the couches and we all talk about how to handle this disease called alcohol dependence and it really does help the family members even the loved one is away on the business trip, will never change, has stated so but that is what we brought up in the last segment, you can decide how you are going to respond to that loved one and become healthier. That is really you know something we want you to hear is that even if they say no, there is still a place for you if you want to come in and talk about this problem.

Brian: We do have individuals or where just family members are exactly at that place and we have a very special program for them, it is our Family Education Program. It is so important because even though the person needing the help will not accept it, the family needs the healing too. So when they come in to that family time even though the loved one is resisting, they are learning about the addictive process and they are understanding the disease and concept of addiction. They are understanding where they are in the stages of family in recovery and what it means to be cross-addictive and getting a lot of information and maybe when this person is getting at this point where they might want to look at this, they will have a lot of information. Come to family education and get some of the information and support.

Jill: We started off the show talking about the show “Intervention” and that is kind of the formal intervention that you were talking about. A formal intervention is not always you know appropriate but they are still used and sometimes it is important to bring in that health professional and that licensed professional and address the issues and kind of referee and come up with the solutions with the family and the loved one.

Brian: Thanks for listening.